Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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