Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
