he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
