When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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