All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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