70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize