Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
