guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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