just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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