No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
