I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
