You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...