If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
