Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
