Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
