oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
