Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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