I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
