my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
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I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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