Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
