Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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