Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
