im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
