we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
