alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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