Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
