my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
