You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
