i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
