did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
