When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
