I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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