Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
