I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
