I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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