Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
