I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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