I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
