Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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