I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
