All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
