my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
