they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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