Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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