I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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