Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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