Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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