I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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