everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
