So drunk its hurt
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
