mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Success! We fucked roommates!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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