I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
