Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
