Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
a search helicopter?!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
