I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
