you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
