Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
